A story of thrills and terror from my sister Elizabeth.

A guy who called himself "Mr. Marbles" snuck into Parliament and hit someone in the face with a pie.  I wish I lived in a Keystone Cops movie like Britain does.

-"See 'ere, wot's that pie for?"
-"Lunch?"
-"...Carry on."

Holding onto urine is not part of my job description.  

Elizabeth's coworker stopped by her desk to chat about something.  Suddenly, something came PINGing from her face, and bounced across Elizabeth's desk.  

ELIZABETH:  What the heck is that?
COWORKER:  That's my tooth.

Yep, a cap on one of her teeth routinely pops off and goes for a jaunt.  

I saw a man with the Most Magnificent Unibrow.  He was working in a cafeteria.  The unibrow was like a thick black McDonalds logo, a child's drawing of a seagull plastered above his eyes.  

Requested by Elizabeth after she saw a sign on a cafe window offering "MILK SANDWICHES."  Commas are important, people.  

There's an explanation for this one.  I scratched my arm a little bit, so I put a band-aid on it.  An hour or so later, it felt weird, so I removed the band-aid.  Turns out, I had developed an allergy to the adhesive in band-aids.  My entire forearm was now covered in a bright red, painfully blistered rash oozing yellow fluid.  And since I couldn't put a band-aid on that, I had to wrap gauze all the way around my arm.  It took eight months to heal, and still recurs a little bit occasionally.  So that's why I wanted the time machine.  I just wanted to stop Past Jenn Bean from applying that band-aid.  I wouldn't use it to step on butterflies and alter the course of the universe or anything.